Tomorrow is the last day of November. It feels like the month flew by, and dragged on, both at the same time. Just about every month of 2020 has had that same feeling. We’re stuck in this strange limbo where we want to keep pushing and pushing to get past this pandemic (as of this writing vaccinations should be starting in a couple weeks). It’ll take months to get there, but the end is in sight. That means that we want to get there as quick as possible.

But then there’s the flip side, feeling like we’re wasting time just letting minutes and hours slip away without actually accomplishing anything. As someone with a grasp of the finite-ness of life, it’s hard to watch days slip past without meaning to them. It feels like we should be seizing any opportunity we can. But, we also want to just curl up in bed and tell the world to wake us when it’s over.

This is a strange dichotomy, and one that I’m not terribly comfortable with. I’ve spent many years ‘waiting’, whether it was for financial or job related reasons, or for large milestones that I’ve had on my radar for long periods of time. Yet, here we are again, at another point where the main thing to do is wait. This time on a global scale.

Being forced into waiting does give a person time to think, and contemplate life. Sometimes that can result in big revelations, or just simple realizations. For me, I’ve realized that there are things from my past that I miss, and wish I would have focused more on. And, perhaps a better understanding of what it is that makes me tick. I haven’t answered the big questions of life, nor have I made any big changes. I do feel that I’ve come to a slightly better understanding of ‘me’ than before.

I think that my penchant for wanting each day to mean something, means that I need to give these contemplations space and time to bounce around. It helps with continuing to make each day feel worthwhile, despite wanting to get done with this entire year and just start anew in Spring. It also means that I’m often exploring a dozen different questions at any one time. Sometimes it leads to interesting things, and other times not. But it’s what I can do to keep the brain stimulated and moving.

I’m sure some of the people around me think I’m crazy, and going on half-cocked about random things all the time. Or maybe it’s how I’ve always been, and this year it’s just more obvious because there’s less distraction. Either way, I’m ready and waiting for tomorrow, and next month, and next year… but not quite yet.

This year my hashtag was #findingbalance. Truer words have never been spoken.